my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
