What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
