Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Randomize
