i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i drank out of a bidet.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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