So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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