dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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