Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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