I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
