Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
