can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
