I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
