I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
