Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
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