She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
