The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
