There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
