the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
