If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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