im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
