Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
