Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
