I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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