I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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