i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
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