Where did you get a picture of my penis
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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