I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
