Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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