i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The feeling are messing with the penis
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
