I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
