is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
