you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
PANTIES FOUND
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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