she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
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Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
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My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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