I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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