I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
