all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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