proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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