Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
