I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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