hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
