Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
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He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
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what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!