I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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