My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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