So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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