I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
