took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
