I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
