alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
