i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
