I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Did I show you my penis last night?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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