I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
