my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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