I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
