Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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