What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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