I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
im so drunk with asians
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.