guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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