she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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