And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
