Someone shit on the floor
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
